The Story-line from Discovery to Actualisation

 I was forty years old when my husband Gordon was diagnosed with cancer, without hesitation, I took early retirement to be with him. 

Although his death eighteen months later was expected, my grief consumed me. I sorrowed over our dreams unfulfilled. I was only forty eight and no reason to live.

My overarching question through my sorrow was, why did God take Gordon and not me? I felt Gordon had so much more to offer the world than I had. With my body, mind and spirit fatigued beyond measure, I was motivated to find new meaning in my life.

              I grabbed on to the ideas that all things were created twice, first mentally and then physically. I had to ask myself what talents I had. An aptitude assessment test clarified for me what my strongest abilities were. To create a sense of balance in my life, I focused on the four part of my nature. On an intellectual level, I realized that I loved to teach: spiritually and socially, I wanted to continue to support the racial harmony we had endeavored to create in our biracial marriage; emotionally, I knew I needed to give love. When my mother was alive she would rock critically ill babies in the hospital. I wanted to give comfort as she had and continue her legacy of unconditional love.

                I was afraid to fail but I told myself it would be okay to try different things, like trying on hats. If I didn’t like teaching after a semester, I didn’t have to go back. I began by going to graduate school so I could teach on the college level. Graduate school is hard, but at age forty-eight, it was especially tough! I was so used to passing documents off to my secretary to type; it took me a semester just to learn how to type my own papers. Turning off the TV and returning the cable box were acts of sheer will.

              I completed graduate school and began teaching at a historically black college in Little Rock, Arkansas. I was appointed by the governor to serve on the Marin Luther King Commission to improve racial relations. I rock crack babies and AIDS infants who are hooked up to ventilators, for however short a period of time they have. I know I’m giving comfort and that gives me a sense of peace.

                Now my life is good, I can feel Gordon smiling at me. He told me time and time again before he died that he wanted me to have a life full of laughter, happy memories and good things. How could I waste my life, with that directive on my conscience? I don’t think I could. I have an obligation to live the best I can for the people I love most—whether they are here or on the other side.

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